Tenacious Tiger #8
"Now Jonathan, we need to talk about all of those girls at school." I loved how blunt my grandfather could be at times.
"When I was your age, guys couldn't wrap it up when they wanted to sex girls." Holy crap, my grandfather is telling me about when he was having sex like a hundred years ago. I'm not even sure that I knew what a condom was when I was 13 years old, but in retrospect, I'm sure that's what he was alluding to when he said 'wrap it up.'
"You need to find a good girl, Jonathan. Not one of those hoodlums. You need to girl to take ca--." Before he could finish, I was greeted with a finger snap to get my attention and a finger pressed over the lips to get me to shut up. The bobber on my grandfather's fishing line was dancing up and down, just barely breaking the surface of the murky water. Some little fish was toying with the fishing master. Then suddenly, the bobber--well--"bobbed" underwater, my grandfather yanked back on the rod with the force of one thousand horny 13 year olds waiting to ravage the condomless masses at the school sock-hop. Bass #1 was tossed into the bucket. A new minnow got hooked through the gut and with a high pitched whiz, the fishing line was cast another 50 yards away from the old mint-colored family boat, putting the tiny red and white bobber at the edge of visibility. Man, my grandfather could fish with the best of them.
"Now, what I was saying, you don't need one of those crazy girls that sleeps around. You need a good one, Jon. Like your mother." Ohhhhh yeah grandpa, great way to get me to bow down at the altar of penile responsibility. Tell me I need to date my mother.
"It's a new world out there, you have more to worry about than just the birds and the bees. Now you have to worry about people breaking your eggs and stealing your honey." I'm still not sure what that means.
"When I met your grandmother, we were married within 6 months, and had your father within the first year." At the time, I didn't know that meant that my grandparents boned before they were married.
"But you can't do that anymore, Jon. You need to test drive the snow tires, make sure they can handle it all: highways, icy ponds, snow drifts. You know." I didn't know, but I just kept nodding my head, partially frustrated at the fact that the fishing skill apparently didn't trickle down 2 generations into my tiny frame. I still just sat there, fiddling with my fishing rod, waiting for the next metaphorical tidbit from my grandfather.
"So the first time you bring a girl to family Christmas, I'm going to have to really sit down and talk with her, okay?" That was our big test: family Christmas. When you brought the girl or boy with you to family Christmas, you were serious. You can't just share the Sanst ham dinner with anyone, can you? There are nuclear facilities that aren't even guarded as closely as our family Christmas.
"Got it, grandpa. Thanks. What's the best spinner bait to use in 10 feet of semi-visible water?" Change of subject, naturally.
And this is how I learned about the world. Be it my grandfather, my grandmother, or my father, life's lessons were best learned over a trolling motor and the greasy smell of large mouth bass.
Oh, and when I did take Linds to our first family Christmas, my grandpa pulled me off to the side and said "Good catch, Jon. Good catch." I suppose the fishing metaphors will never end.
"When I was your age, guys couldn't wrap it up when they wanted to sex girls." Holy crap, my grandfather is telling me about when he was having sex like a hundred years ago. I'm not even sure that I knew what a condom was when I was 13 years old, but in retrospect, I'm sure that's what he was alluding to when he said 'wrap it up.'
"You need to find a good girl, Jonathan. Not one of those hoodlums. You need to girl to take ca--." Before he could finish, I was greeted with a finger snap to get my attention and a finger pressed over the lips to get me to shut up. The bobber on my grandfather's fishing line was dancing up and down, just barely breaking the surface of the murky water. Some little fish was toying with the fishing master. Then suddenly, the bobber--well--"bobbed" underwater, my grandfather yanked back on the rod with the force of one thousand horny 13 year olds waiting to ravage the condomless masses at the school sock-hop. Bass #1 was tossed into the bucket. A new minnow got hooked through the gut and with a high pitched whiz, the fishing line was cast another 50 yards away from the old mint-colored family boat, putting the tiny red and white bobber at the edge of visibility. Man, my grandfather could fish with the best of them.
"Now, what I was saying, you don't need one of those crazy girls that sleeps around. You need a good one, Jon. Like your mother." Ohhhhh yeah grandpa, great way to get me to bow down at the altar of penile responsibility. Tell me I need to date my mother.
"It's a new world out there, you have more to worry about than just the birds and the bees. Now you have to worry about people breaking your eggs and stealing your honey." I'm still not sure what that means.
"When I met your grandmother, we were married within 6 months, and had your father within the first year." At the time, I didn't know that meant that my grandparents boned before they were married.
"But you can't do that anymore, Jon. You need to test drive the snow tires, make sure they can handle it all: highways, icy ponds, snow drifts. You know." I didn't know, but I just kept nodding my head, partially frustrated at the fact that the fishing skill apparently didn't trickle down 2 generations into my tiny frame. I still just sat there, fiddling with my fishing rod, waiting for the next metaphorical tidbit from my grandfather.
"So the first time you bring a girl to family Christmas, I'm going to have to really sit down and talk with her, okay?" That was our big test: family Christmas. When you brought the girl or boy with you to family Christmas, you were serious. You can't just share the Sanst ham dinner with anyone, can you? There are nuclear facilities that aren't even guarded as closely as our family Christmas.
"Got it, grandpa. Thanks. What's the best spinner bait to use in 10 feet of semi-visible water?" Change of subject, naturally.
And this is how I learned about the world. Be it my grandfather, my grandmother, or my father, life's lessons were best learned over a trolling motor and the greasy smell of large mouth bass.
Oh, and when I did take Linds to our first family Christmas, my grandpa pulled me off to the side and said "Good catch, Jon. Good catch." I suppose the fishing metaphors will never end.
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