Precious Panda # 9
I walk these streets….
Reverend Carnat had presided over some interesting weddings before, but this certainly was a first. The bride was screaming—singing, actually—and knocking over the flower displays in the church. Oddly enough, right when she shoved the groom to the ground, all reverend Carnat could think about was stage diving.
Mathew Carmichael and Sandy Almaeda were the all-American couple. After meeting in a freshman seminar class at Kansas State, they dated for the next five years before they finally appeared ready to settle down. When Michael, who by then was the head softball coach at a local high school, proposed to Sandy, a software designer, everyone thought they were happy.
Sandy, however, was far from happy. She knew that Mathew had cheated on her repeatedly, including several affairs with his students. While his sense of humor was somewhat entertaining when they were 18, his fart jokes stopped being funny a long time ago. Sandy felt like she was dating a real-life Peter Griffin, an alcoholic moron who treated her like the fungus living between his rolls of skin. For some reason, though, she couldn’t bring herself to end it. Childhood asthma and years of psychological abuse from Michael left her physically and emotionally weak, so when he proposed, she didn’t have the strength or self-esteem to fight him off.
A newspaper headline days after the wedding read, “iPod bride goes wild.” If they only knew the half of it.
As Sandy came down the isle, reverend Carnat noticed that something wasn’t quite right. She was bobbing back and forth with a swagger and confidence that he hadn’t seen in her before. When Sandy’s father lifted her veil and stepped back, he saw that her eyes were bloodshot and she was wearing small headphones connected to an iPod, which she held in her hand. It blended right in with her dress. Sandy turned to the reverend and said “it’s all the same…only the names have chaaaaaanged…every day, it seems like we’re wasting awaaaaay.”
Reverend Carnat thought it would be best to ignore her and proceed with the ceremony. Mathew still hadn’t noticed that she was a little tipsy, which wasn’t uncommon in the weddings the reverend had presided over—most brides and grooms needed something to get them down the aisle. Still, Sandy kept bobbing back and forth while Mathew was saying his vows and it was a growing distraction for the audience.
Some were giggling, others whispered to each other, but everyone was startled when she suddenly shouted at him, “SOMETIMES I SLEEP, SOMETIMES IT’S NOT FOR DAYS…AND THE PEOPLE I MEET ALWAYS GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS………….SOMETIMES YOU TELL THE DAY…BY THE BOTTLE THAT YOU DRINK, AND TIMES WHEN YOU’RE ALL ALONE ALL YOU DO IS THINK…but we both know that last part isn’t true, though, right Matt? Right? Am I right? Right? When you’re all alone, all you do is watch stupid fucking nascar…Well………I’VE SEEN A MILLION FACES AND I’VE ROCKED THEM ALL.”
There was silence in the church. No one really knew what to do when Sandy threw off her veil and shoved her fiancé to the ground shouting “I PLAY FOR KEEPS, ‘CAUSE I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT BACK!” Sandy was building momentum, and when she punctuated knocking the flowers over with “CAUSE I’M WAAAANTED…DEAD OR ALIVE!” even reverend Carnat was smiling a little.
Sandy took off her ring and threw it at Mathew, whom she left lying there at the altar as she walked back down the aisle alone, a big, happy smile on her face. She pushed the church doors open and marched down the steps in the sun. Getting into the waiting limousine, she said to herself, “I been everywhere…still I’m standing tall.”
Reverend Carnat had presided over some interesting weddings before, but this certainly was a first. The bride was screaming—singing, actually—and knocking over the flower displays in the church. Oddly enough, right when she shoved the groom to the ground, all reverend Carnat could think about was stage diving.
Mathew Carmichael and Sandy Almaeda were the all-American couple. After meeting in a freshman seminar class at Kansas State, they dated for the next five years before they finally appeared ready to settle down. When Michael, who by then was the head softball coach at a local high school, proposed to Sandy, a software designer, everyone thought they were happy.
Sandy, however, was far from happy. She knew that Mathew had cheated on her repeatedly, including several affairs with his students. While his sense of humor was somewhat entertaining when they were 18, his fart jokes stopped being funny a long time ago. Sandy felt like she was dating a real-life Peter Griffin, an alcoholic moron who treated her like the fungus living between his rolls of skin. For some reason, though, she couldn’t bring herself to end it. Childhood asthma and years of psychological abuse from Michael left her physically and emotionally weak, so when he proposed, she didn’t have the strength or self-esteem to fight him off.
A newspaper headline days after the wedding read, “iPod bride goes wild.” If they only knew the half of it.
As Sandy came down the isle, reverend Carnat noticed that something wasn’t quite right. She was bobbing back and forth with a swagger and confidence that he hadn’t seen in her before. When Sandy’s father lifted her veil and stepped back, he saw that her eyes were bloodshot and she was wearing small headphones connected to an iPod, which she held in her hand. It blended right in with her dress. Sandy turned to the reverend and said “it’s all the same…only the names have chaaaaaanged…every day, it seems like we’re wasting awaaaaay.”
Reverend Carnat thought it would be best to ignore her and proceed with the ceremony. Mathew still hadn’t noticed that she was a little tipsy, which wasn’t uncommon in the weddings the reverend had presided over—most brides and grooms needed something to get them down the aisle. Still, Sandy kept bobbing back and forth while Mathew was saying his vows and it was a growing distraction for the audience.
Some were giggling, others whispered to each other, but everyone was startled when she suddenly shouted at him, “SOMETIMES I SLEEP, SOMETIMES IT’S NOT FOR DAYS…AND THE PEOPLE I MEET ALWAYS GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS………….SOMETIMES YOU TELL THE DAY…BY THE BOTTLE THAT YOU DRINK, AND TIMES WHEN YOU’RE ALL ALONE ALL YOU DO IS THINK…but we both know that last part isn’t true, though, right Matt? Right? Am I right? Right? When you’re all alone, all you do is watch stupid fucking nascar…Well………I’VE SEEN A MILLION FACES AND I’VE ROCKED THEM ALL.”
There was silence in the church. No one really knew what to do when Sandy threw off her veil and shoved her fiancé to the ground shouting “I PLAY FOR KEEPS, ‘CAUSE I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT BACK!” Sandy was building momentum, and when she punctuated knocking the flowers over with “CAUSE I’M WAAAANTED…DEAD OR ALIVE!” even reverend Carnat was smiling a little.
Sandy took off her ring and threw it at Mathew, whom she left lying there at the altar as she walked back down the aisle alone, a big, happy smile on her face. She pushed the church doors open and marched down the steps in the sun. Getting into the waiting limousine, she said to herself, “I been everywhere…still I’m standing tall.”
posted by Anonymous at 1:39 PM
1 Comments:
Seriously, this was a great post. After reading all your stories...way to end on a high note.
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