Rowdy Racoon #1

Late one evening long ago, I approached my mother demanding to know why she hadn’t placed me in dance or gymnastic lessons as a toddler, so that I could be world famous and rich at the ripe old age of 15. She looked hurt, as any mother would when their beloved child accuses them of bad raising. And for good reason, by that point in my life things had begun to fall apart in a big way. Was I blaming her for everything that had happened to me? I know she often blamed herself. I love my mother though, and that, also for very good reason. After a few moments she raised her head and looked into my fiery eyes. With a voice smooth and strong she said “I taught you to love reading, so you could choose for yourself how to devote your life.” Then with slightly more uncertainty she looked away and finished, “I thought that would be enough.”

It was.

The problem was I wasn’t choosing how to devote my life, I was barely even living it. At the age of 15 I was in removed from school after a suicide attempt for “emergency psychiatric consultation.” I let the things that happened to me, well, happen to me, and nothing more. At 17 I dropped out of school and ran away from home. I wouldn’t fight for anything, even my sanity, and I had no pride in myself.

My mother’s words came full circle that year in a passage from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

“I wanted you to see something about her.- I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.'"

Atticus Finch was referring to Mrs. Dubose, a little remembered character from the novel who painfully weaned herself from her addiction to morphine as she approached death. She was determined to die dependent on no one and no thing besides herself and her God.

As difficult as life seemed, I began to fight, inspired by this fictional character. I am a strong and courageous woman, and I was able to put my life back together better than it had ever been before. There are countless examples and touching stories I could relate about the next few years of my life, but the bottom line is this; My mother was right about a lot of things. She was miraculously and wonderfully right when she said reading allows you to choose how to devote your life. Devote your life to fighting for good and equality, loving others with a perfect and devoted love, finding your Prince Charming or simply being the best you can be. Do so with pride and strength, change the world, and see it through no matter what… you rarely win, but sometimes you do.